Paul asks…
Having trouble bonding with my daughter, has anyone else been through this? Long question?
With my son (first born) i loved him the minute he was born, natural birth, 8 hours from start to finish, everything about it was perfect. He was healthy and no problems. He is now almost 20 months old and he in my eyes is the most perfect boy ever, i look at him and i cant help but smile. even when he really gets to me he will do something totally cute the next minute and il totally forget about what hes done to pi** me off.
I got pregnant with my daughter (now 4 months) when my son was only 6 months old, she was not planned and we were only using condoms. As soon as i knew i was pregnant i had a gut feeling something wasnt right, throughout the whole pregnancy i felt great. All the scans showed that she was fine, no downs syndrome, nothing wrong. then i went for my midwife appointment at 36 weeks and my belly was only measuring 34 weeks so i was sent for a scan. She in fact was on the small side, she was only just measuring the acceptable limit (any smaller and i would have to have been hospitalized and monitored for the rest of my pregnancy) she was measuring 33 weeks and 4lb 5oz.
So i got referrered to hospital and had to go for scans and to have her heartbeat monitored every 2nd day (3 times a week). Found out my placenta was failing and i had low amniotic fluid which was causing her poor growth. then at 38 weeks 6 days while i was hooked up to all the machines a doctor came in and said to me “ok, we can do your induction this morning”. I knew i was going to be induced but i didnt know they just spring it on you like that. I went home and got my bags and went back to hospital and they started the induction. I hated it. I was in labour for 36 hours before i asked for an epidural, it was an epidural and get pumped full of drugs to help me contract or get a c section. My hormones (you know the feel good ones when you have a natural spontaneous birth) never turned up, i never felt that excitment that you feel when alol of a sudden you realise your in labour.
Anyway she was born 7lb 6oz. i got to hold her, then the midiwfe gave her a check and turns out they thought she didnt have an anus, well she ended up having one but it comes out her vagina, or they share the same hole, if you get me. She spent a night in the NICU and then we spent an extra 4 nights in hospital. She has had one operation so far and she has a colostomy bag, she is scheduled for her next one in the next 3 months. We named her Lyla roase elizabeth, i didnt particularly like the name, its pretty. But not what i wanted to name her, the whole pregnancy i had been calling her alfie, but no one (mum, dad, partners parents, grandparents) liked the name so partner refused to let me name her alfie rose elizabeth (he told me this while i was in labour, before that i was 100% sure her name would be alife) so he decided that lyla was a good name and we can call her that. I look at her and i see an alfie, weird i know because its aparently a ‘boys’ name, she suits lyla, but she is so an alfie that its not funny. When she was 3 weeks old i told my fiance i wanted to change her name because i didnt think lyla was the right name for her, he told me not to be stupid and that its a good name.
I breastfeed her and i play with her heaps but i just dont have the bond that i have with my son. I have been tested for post natal depression twice once at 6 weeks when i told my midwife my feelings, then again at 3 months to be re evaluated. Turns out i dont have it, just having problems bonding. I hardly ever have just 1 on 1 time with my daughter which may be part of the problem. She smiles at me, i can make her laugh and its great. But i dont get that warm fuzzy feeling i get with my son. I have even thought about switching to formula because i dont seem to be bonding, but then i thought if i stop breastfeeding i will loose what little bond i have.
Just wondering if anyone else felt like this and if it ever got better? Or any tips on what i can do, i so badly want the special bond that i have with my son, with my daughter
Michelle answers:
I think your issues have less to do with your daughter than with your relationships. First the baby was unplanned, then the doctors didn’t communicate very well about her condition and your induction, THEN your ‘partner’ DECIDED on a name that you didn’t agree with AND then he belittled your opinion about changing her name. This is on top of all the stress that any mother would have about the baby’s condition. It’s like you’ve lost control and it all stems from her birth which you have associated with negativity.
First off I think you should change your relationship status with your ‘Fiancee’. Why? Because obviously he doesn’t think much about you or your partnership if he feels that he can dictate some VERY important decision in YOUR life. I don’t care how much a man loves you…a child will always be about the mother.
I would also discuss your feelings about the induction and the pregnancy with your midwife or doctor. Try taking more control of the issue that was about you. Your daughter’s problems are hers but you had some problems with her birth and you need to acknowledge them.
Next I would join a support group of other mothers with babies/kids with a similar condition. This will not only help you deal with her issues but they will also always be there FOR YOU…be it relationships or doctors. I had very similar problems when my daughter was born with hospital stays, fetal monitoring, oxygen therapy, placental failure, and low birth weight (she was 4.5lbs at 39 weeks). I fought tooth and nail with every dang doctor in the city because I wasn’t getting a RIGHT answer. It made it so much harder because I had gotten pregnant with Isis just 7 weeks after I lost her older sister (37 weeks stillbirth) Violet. We had an emergency c-section 2 hours after I petitioned a senior doctor to examine me…after being told that she was too small and they wanted to wait 4 more weeks before considering a c-section.
I think I probably would have been the same way as you if I had ever actually safely and normally delivered a baby before Isis. But as it is we are connected at the hip. We still co-sleep at 24 months and take all of our naps together- I’d never let her leave the house without me if I could manage it. We are just at opposite sides of the spectrum- you don’t feel bonded and I can’t be without her.
Good luck my dear..
Lizzie asks…
RePost: Should I just go for the C-section? looking for some more responses?
I know this is really only something I and my OB can decide but I would like some opinions. I really wanted to go all natural but I don’t know if it is even worth trying.
Reasons:
This is my second child. My first was born at 21 weeks gestation and died shortly after birth due to placental abruption.
They will not have me go past about 36 weeks so as to not put any additional pressure on my placenta.This means induction which %40 of all inductions end in c-sectons anyway.
This baby also has a umbilical cord that is attached to the side of the placenta instead of the middle so he will likely be growth restricted and lower in birth weight.
I have read that usually they let you try to labor normally but if the baby shows sings of distress than they do a c-section. The baby can have trouble getting enough oxygen and in rare cases the umbilical cord can pull away from the placenta during labor leaving him without any oxygen until they can rush the c-section. But now I am thinking I don’t even want to risk having problems when laboring. I am thinking I am just going to ask for a planned c-section. We do want more kids but after what we have been through we care more about getting through this pregnancy than worrying about the future and how c-sections effect future pregnancies. What is your opinion?
Additional Details
My pregnancy is considered high risk and I am currently seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. She is generally not one to push the c-section and she said I do not HAVE to go early if I insists on going longer we can do that but I have already held one child as he took his last breath…. I can’t do that again. I am going to do what they recommend and let them take this baby early. March of Dimes had done a study that shows before 36 weeks there are more risks and problem but as of right now there are no known long term risks of problems for those infants born after 36 weeks. My doctor really hasn’t even suggested a c-section as of yet but I just am trying to decide if I just want to ask for one.
Michelle answers:
Wow, so much info in that question i don’t know where to start! First, sorry about your first baby. That’s an awful thing to go through…. Well, all the problems that can happen during labour aren’t necessarily going to happen to you! They probably won’t 🙂 and if your baby is going to have a low birth weight anyway, i would think it would be better off for him/her to stay inside as long as possible. As for the birth, if it was me i would ask for a c-section but not early. But that’s me, i tried labour after being induced and i couldn’t do it. You could try doing it naturally if that’s what you wanted to do, and if it doesn’t go according to plan, you can have a c-section then?
Donald asks…
What natural induction method worked for you during pregnancy ?
We’ve all heard them all, sex, castor oil, tea, spice food, you name it.
Anyone ever tried these and then gone into labor? If so how many weeks were you?
What did you do? How long until it worked?
I don’t remember asking for any ” LOL” remarks.
Obviously, I know they don’t always work, and can’t be proven to be other than coincidence, and I don’t care. I was asking for stories by those who have tried it and it worked. I’m getting piton induced on my duedate anyway. I was just curious.
Thumbs down to you 😉
Pitocin*
Michelle answers:
Black Cohash. It’s an herb that midwives use that can start labor if you’re ready. I tried it and within eight to ten hrs of taking it I was contracting irregularly for several hours but my water broke. I don’t know if it actually caused it or if it’s a coincident. I also know they use nipple stimulation. If you roll your nipple around with your finger it causes your brain to release the hormone that causes your uterus to contract. Having sex works bc the ejaculate has prostiglandins in it that ripens the cervix and prepares it for labor. None of these will work, however, unless u are ready to go! Do not try these unless you are at least 39 wks
Carol asks…
Im getting induced tomorrow and very nervous?
I just want to hear other people experiences. This is my third pregnancy. The other 2 were all natural but since i have gestational diabetes im being induced tomorrow. What are the contractions like? Ive heard they are worse then a natural labor. Has anyone experienced natural labor and then had an induction too?
Michelle answers:
Okay so I’m a guy and don’t do the baby thing but I have two sisters who do and one of them has done both.
Her first baby was induced and she thought the contractions were harder but what it really was was once they got going they came faster. Try to not be nervous and think of it as though it is just natural chidlbirth. Remember to breathe and relax inbetween too and good luck to you and the new little one!
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